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Thanks for spotting the typo, jeanaz8. Now corrected.

As I post this, my thoughts are with all of you in America right now. The images of the destruction we are seeing on our T V screens are awful. I just hope you are all safe and well.

R L delayed the final part, so here it is.


Dr Vera McCool's Office
Bethesda Military Hospital.

Doctor Vera McCool was curious, seeing the faraway look drift into the Captains eyes before he purposely turned away from her. What prompted you to use Sarah on that particular occasion?

I was trying to make a point. I thought it was the right response at the time. In fact it was one of most regrettable moments of my life.

That bad?

Thats where our will we, wont we relationship dance began. Well maybe not started from scratch, but it was the first time either one of us made a move to lay our cards on the table.

Vera was clueless as to which of them had taken the initiative. Who made the first move?

Mac. Years ago, on a ferry in Sydney Harbour. She suggested webecame more intimate.

You can say lovers in here, Harm.

His look of discomfort mirrored his words, Cut me some slack, Commander. This is not something that comes easily to me; discussing my private life with a complete stranger. No offence intended.

None taken. You regret her asking?

No, his eyes held her gaze, I regret turning her down.

Vera waited for a cheeky smile to appear. When it didnt, she sat quietly while he jostled in his seat to re position himself, his body demonstrating his inner discomfort over the incident. So why did you?

Harm shrugged his shoulders, I wasnt ready.

His explanation insufficient, Vera pushed him to evaluate his reasons even further, And?

Harm let out a deep breath, Because I knew intimacy would change everything between us and I didnt want to lose her friendship.

You believed that the two of you, if a relationship didnt work out, couldnt remain friends?

Even as friends weve had difficulty residing on the same seaboard at times. Throw in a broken heart, a little animosity and hostility

His sentence unfinished, Vera was tempted to ask which one he thought would have had the broken heart, but she was more intrigued to discover the outcome, How did the Colonel react?

Harm experienced the familiar dark cloud of despair that descended whenever the memory was triggered. She accepted an offer of marriage from another man, within a couple of days.

Vera saw his pain. Oh, that hurt didnt it, Captain? Her voice softened, Was she already involved with this man when she propositioned you?

On some level, yes.

But not to the point where she was openly in love with him.

I didnt think so.

Do you believe the Colonel would still have accepted the proposal if the two of you had become lovers?

No!

His tone left her in no doubt of his conviction and Vera half smiled, Is that your pride talking?

No. Deep down we always knew a relationship between us must also involve a commitment. Why else did we wait so long? His eyes drifted again. She was always the one. Even when I couldnt be with her, Mac was the standard by which I measured all other women.

And they came up short?

By a mile.

Vera paused, You said I wasnt ready. It was something you always expected to happen, just further down the line?

There is something between us, this thing call it a connection that just pulls us together no matter how we try to fight it.

And it was evident even then? On the ferry?

Yes. But I wasnt ready to commit. It crept up on me slowly.

Slower than the Colonel?

Mac was prepared to give in to it before I was.

So you turned down her offer of intimacy on a principal. Is that something youve done often? her tone mocking him.

I try not to!

She saw that boyish smile for only a few seconds before his face one again became serious.

Ive turned down offers of intimacy before because to accept would have been inappropriate, but Mac is the only woman Ive held out for until I knew the time was right.

But I sense shes not the first youve waited for.

I once misunderstood my affection for my friends wife. I thought my holding back made it the right kind of love.

Nothing she had learned about the man in front of her, from either her sessions with the Colonel, nor from her instincts since hed appeared in her office suggested he would simply have an affair with someone. What made you realise it wasnt?

Mac. Our relationship is a warts and all one. Good or bad, however it comes, we always find a way through. My relationship with Annie would only have worked on her terms.

At least you didnt pay a high price for that realisation. So how long did you expect the Colonel to wait?

Harms thoughts drifted away until he found the words as long as it takes had escaped from his lips the moment the memory of that night on the Admirals porch entered his head.

His thoughts obviously many miles away from her office, Vera sat patiently, waiting for him to return from his musings to the present. Seeing him inhale deeply and haul his shoulders up, she knew he was ready to continue, And the Colonel wasnt prepared to wait after your rejection?

Yes, she was. For forty eight hours or so anyway.

She could almost feel the disappointment his eyes portrayed, How did that make you feel?

I knew Id hurt her deeply, and I paid for my mistake. What I said that night pained me for a long time afterwards.

What happened to change that feeling?

I saw how happy Macs fianc made her, and I met someone who I gradually came to care for.

Care for? Not love?

After Mac, she probably came the closest to breaking down my barriers.

How?

Renee pushed me to open up. She demanded something from me and forced me to give something of myself in return. Even showed me what I was missing in life.

She just wasnt the Colonel. Vera saw the flush rise into his cheeks and knew there was more. She angled her head to meet his eyes, Go on.

Harm half smiled, Thats um...another part of the insomnia problem.

In what way?

His expression turned from regret to embarrassment, You promise not to laugh?

If you knew one tenth of what Ive heard inside these four walls, you wouldnt bother to ask.

Harm sighed, Elvis.

As in Presley?

Yeah, his cheeks reddening more and more every second under her gaze.

Why would I laugh?

It isnt cool, Dr McCool, to admit to having Elvis music rattling around in your head.

So why is he rattling around in your head?

You just said it.

Vera thought back over her own words, instantly realising what he meant, Shes Not You.

Yeah. I got that damn song in my head when I was with Renee and it just wouldnt leave me alone. Renee was a lot of things and most of them good. She just wasnt Mac.

When did the music stop?

The same night Renee and I broke up.

Vera teased, Anything to do with whisperin your name?

I think subconsciously that was part of it, and attempted to hide his shame over the incident with a smile.

You didnt! The words had escaped from her lips before she could prevent it. Vera instinctively knew he had spoken the Colonels name while with the other woman and didnt wait for his reply, making no attempt to hide her amusement, Well, look at it from the positive.

Whats that?

Youre still alive. Imagine how that would have gone the other way around!

Harms thoughts strayed to visions of Mac holding him in a Marine grip around the throat for whispering Renees name at her. Once again he flashed a smile in the Doctors direction as his laugh echoed around the room. Okay, youve had your fun. Answer me this; why has Elvis resurfaced and why wont he let me sleep?

When did the music first reoccur?

I guess it started with Its Now Or Never on the juke box in McMurphys. It was apt at the time given I was due to ship out to London in a few hours. Since then Ive gone through the majority of his repertoire in my head. The moment I lay down to sleep, there they are; I Just Cant Help Believing, Burning Love, Always On My Mind, The Wonder Of You Do I need to go on?

I get the picture.

Harm glanced away again and shook his head, I cant believe Im telling you this.

Vera smiled at his embarrassment, turned and sat down on the sofa, Renees breaking down the walls backfired on her, didnt it?

Yeah. Harm hung his head low. All it did was nourish the desire to share my life with another woman. As I laid my head to the pillow at night, Mac was there the moment my eyes closed, in every dream.

Was she ever the villain in your dreams?

Harm immediately dismissed the notion. No. More often than not the heroine; either coming to my rescueor me to hers.

She saw the pause and waited while he mused over what he had said in the hope he could read the meaning for himself. Did you tell either of them you loved them back then? Renee or Mac?

Harm lowered himself onto the seat the other end of the sofa from her and propped his cover on his knee, No to the first, sort of to the second.

Vera was intrigued, Exactly how do you sort of tell the woman that you love that you love her?

Harm bounced his fingers on the sofa back, It was Macs engagement party. Her fianc and my girlfriend were inside, Mac and I outside, reminiscing; sort of saying goodbyeto the relationship wed had. It couldnt continue as it was because now she was getting married. Again that drifting glaze spread through his eyes as he fell silent once more and Vera waited for him to continue, Mac asked what I wanted most from life. I told her I didnt want to lose her. I said, You have someone who will always love you, meaning me.

What was the Colonels reply?

You have someone who loves you.

So at that point youd actually both declared your love for each other? He nodded. What happened then? If she thought his eyes had been glazed before, Vera nearly reached for the tissues as the emotion poured into them now.

Mac leaned forwardand kissed me.

I take it you didnt knock her back this time, or find some principal to stand on?

No, his face flushing beet red, I responded.

And proudly so by the look on your face, sailor. Vera smiled at the thought. I bet there were sparks in the air that night! Something in the Captains manner assured her they both got more than they bargained for. And after youd kissed?

Nothing and no one moved. At least thats what it felt like. Wed shocked the hell out of each other.

Why? What had you expected? A slap in the face?

It started out as a small gesture of my affection, but we both got carried away. I hadnt expected her to respond.

But she did?

Oh yeah, his lips almost tasting that kiss again.

Seeing the hint of his tongue sweep around the inside of his mouth, Vera knew he was reliving the moment, and was surprised to feel a jolt of pleasure in her own body. Although she had assured him she wouldnt bring anything from her session with Mac into the room, she failed to stop herself remembering back to a previous meeting with the Colonel. The description of the man now seated in front of her, the depth of emotion exhibited by the Colonel had sent a similar surge running through Vera at the time. She pondered what it must be like to be in the room with the two of them at the same time if the heat they generated when talking about each other was anything to go by. So at that point youd admitted your love and shared a kiss that knocked each others socks off. What stopped you from proposing the start of a relationship between the two of you right there and then?

You dont want to know how many times Ive asked myself that question. After wed, you know, kissed, we went back to the party; both somewhat shell-shocked I guess. At one point, when we were standing side by side listening to the Admiral making the engagement speech, I imagined I felt her fingers reaching for mine.

What did you do then?

I just pulled myself together and joined in the so called celebrations.

And how were things between the two of you afterwards?

Strained for a time, until I took an unscheduled dip in the ocean a few weeks later and almost died.

And even near death didnt bring the two of you together?

No, but it did bring Macs doubts to the surface. Her fianc saw them and called off their engagement.

Who did she turn to for consolation?

She came to my apartment, but as ever with us the timing was wrong. I couldnt be there for her. Renees father had just died.

You were still with Renee at that point, even though the Colonels relationship had ended?

Yes.

So far, apart from your joint declaration at her engagement party, the Colonel appears to be the one doing all the running. Yet I sense in you a love that has never been in question. What did it take for you to show your hand?

When I believed Macs life was in danger a couple of years ago, I resigned my Commission to go to Paraguay and search for her.

It was Veras turn to be rooted to the spot and she inwardly chastised herself for not realising it earlier. Well Ill be! Sarah Mackenzie was Webbs Miss X. A tangled webb indeed!' Dismissing her thoughts, she returned to her present patient, And yet you still didnt get together. The Colonel wasnt impressed with your gallant gesture?

Shed already formed an attachment with Webb.

And you just walked away.

Not at first. I planned for us to sit down and talk it through.

And the Colonel?

By the time we got around to it, Mac had already decided a relationship between us wouldnt work.

What did you do then?

I took a job that meant I could have something that I loved in my life; namely flying. I was on call twenty four seven

And spent very little time in Washington.

That pretty much covers it.

How did the Colonel react?

She was pretty miffed with me for a while. You never write/call/email type of thing.

But your friendship was restored eventually. How did that happen?

To some extent because of Mattie. She made me look at life from a whole different perspective.

And made you want the Colonel even more?

I didnt think it was possible, but yes.

And so now youve got what you wanted. The girl of your dreams, Veras voice full of pleasure for them both.

Oh yeah, his grin widening with every second that passed as he sat in front of the Doctor looking pretty pleased with himself.

She allowed him to wallow in his self congratulation for a few more seconds and then hit him with the burning question that had drawn him into her office, changing the tone of her voice at the same time. So why arent you sleeping?

Harms body snapped up as though the Doctor had struck him, the smile leaving his face instantly. Hed not anticipated that question and rubbed at his eyes, Im not sure youre helping, Doc. In some ways I feel worse than when I came in.

Why did you come?

To try and find peace. Not world peace, but just enough to get to sleep at night.

Vera ignored his attempt at humour. Is your life not peaceful?

Its not turbulent any more, now Mac and I are together.

So the peace you crave is an inner one.

Possibly.

With yourself?

With myself, with Mac.

You said Mac. Not Colonel, or Sarah.

Did I?

I take it that you have declared your love for each other now, as in actually saying
the words? No hidden meanings or half statements?

Yes. Totally, completely, nothing held back declarations.

And yet you still acknowledge the woman you love in three different ways; youve called her all three since youve been here. Is that how youve hidden your feelings in the past?

Youre the expert. What do you think?

That to detach yourself you use Colonel, to ingratiate yourself, Sarah and when you dont have to think about it, you slip into the one that feels most comfortable. Mac.

I know, its confusing. Its like dating three different women at times.

Being courted by three different men is just as confusing Im sure, Captain.

Her retort stunned him, Id never thought of it like that.

To find the inner peace that you crave, your relationship must naturally evolve yet again. Youve been colleagues, friends, the best of friends and now you must form an entirely new relationship; as lovers and partners.

I think weve got that first one pretty well sorted. Harms mind already anticipated the next question. Youre saying by calling Mac the Colonel or Sarah, Ive been hiding behind the relationship weve had? Im not assuming the new role of a partner?

No, its what you believe you are saying that matters. Vera leaned forward, How does the Colonel react to you, on a physical level?

Since Ive been here shes been distant, but all over me like a rash at the same time.

How has she been physically, aside from sexual intimacy?

Harm shuffled in his seat again, her questioning making him uncomfortable, yet he didnt know why. As I said, shes been distant.

Vera saw his discomfort and knew it was time for his final push towards realisation. And youve been how exactly?

Harm opened his mouth and then closed it again before finally speaking, I was then about to say the same.

Vera smiled that hed corrected himself and was at last joining her on the path she was leading him on. In the past youve not been permitted to be physically demonstrative, intimately or other wise?

True.

Touching was restricted to times when it was appropriate before, but what about now? How have things changed?

I suppose they havent.

For who? Harms gaze dropped to the floor, an action not unnoticed by the Doctor who waited for him to speak the words out loud.

Me I guess.

What about the Colonel. Is she more physical with you? Vera saw his wisecrack coming the moment the smile developed in his face.

Shes not beating me up or anything.

Her look chastised him, Does she reach to hold your hand in public, kiss you in the street, absentmindedly stroke your neck in the supermarket?

Have you been following us?

I take it thats a yes then.

Yes, but not the neck stroking.

Would you say the Colonel has moved into your physical space? Harms head bobbed forward and back agreeing with her suggestion. So where are you?

The eyes that stared back were blank as he fell silent, Im still on the outside looking in.

Is that where you want to be?

No.

As part of a couple, invading personal space is something that flows automatically. Looking, touching, the closeness or rather nearness to another person is not something obvious or intentional, more of a feeling of what I call comfortability with each other. Youve spoken of your relationship

But Im not living it. Except through the King, his half smile proving he wasnt convinced.

The music is merely a symbol of what you have, what the Colonel means to you. It was triggered the day your relationship changed.

Youre saying Macs uncomfortable because Im not invading her space?

I believe you feel guilty because you know shes moved into yours.

So Macs not been distant. Ive just not been close.

And you know youre doing it.

Im damned if I know how?

You came here didnt you? You described it yourself too. On the outside looking in.

Harm half chided himself, Thats where I told Mac I was tired of being. I wanted to be a part of her life.

Them maybe its time you told yourself. Youve got the girl

Now live the dream?

Vera inclined his head in his direction, Its yours for the taking.

Harm brushed at his trousers, How long did it take you to figure it out?

Within the first twenty five seconds of our conversation. In that time you used Sarah, Mac, Colonel, fianc and guilty. All the other feelings of guilt, your father in law, brother, along with Elvis, are just banging on the doors of your conscious.

Harm half smiled, You gauged the problem in less than sixty seconds of my being in the room? You really are good. Vera bowed her head, accepting his compliment, So if you knew the problem, why did we waste the rest of the time talking about it.

Im not the one having difficulty sleeping.

Harm beamed an affectionate smile at her. Vera could feel the rays from that smile reaching deep into her own heart and it gave her a minute glimpse into the world of someone on the receiving end of his love, namely one Colonel Sarah Mackenzie. When he spoke his voice had deepened and was softer. Is thats why, for the most part, youve only asked closed questions?

Partly. And you answered in kind.

You were encouraging me to work it out for myself, werent you? Vera smiled that he had reached the same conclusion, albeit well after she did. And you believe thats all there is to it?

More importantly, what do you think?

That if Id sat down and talked it through with Mac shed probably have solved it in half the time.

Vera chuckled, My half the time or yours?

Yours!

She smiled and stood up, Then why are you still sitting in my office?

Harm grinned momentarily. As his grin subsided, the shoulders dropped and he covered his face, a yawn stretching across his mouth as he rose from the sofa. Do all your patients leave here feeling exhausted?

Sometimes. Its the release of pent up or stored emotion that triggers it. What do you plan to do now?

First of all get some sleep and rubbed his eyes again.

And then?

Wait for Mac to get home, and get in her space a little.

Thats not something Id normally recommend when dealing with awhat was it you called her, a kick ass Marine?

As Vera chuckled, Harm held out his hand. Thank you, Doctor.

Any time, Captain, and released his hand. As Harm turned to leave the room, she added, Although if there is a next time

Yes?

Vera grinned, Please make an appointment.

Yes Maam.


As the door closed behind him, Vera McCool returned to her desk. She turned over the file, reopened its cover and lost herself in the scintillating antics of its subject once more. So engrossed was she ten minutes later, that the first knock at the door barely impinged on her concentration. The second more forceful one had more impact and she reluctantly called out, enter, while at the same time noting where she had left the notes in front of her.

Colonel Sarah Mackenzie opened the door and peered inside. Im sorry Dr McCool. I was hoping Id find Harm here. Hes not answering his cell and I wondered if he called in looking for me.

Yes, Colonel, he was here. He left, what, and glanced at her wristwatch, Maybe ten fifteen minutes ago. I believe he was going straight home.

Thank you. And Im sorry about this afternoon. I cancelled you and the reason for cancelling you cancelled on me. Can I reschedule same time next week? Ill be back in Washington on Friday. Weve a final consultation with the adoption people before Harm returns to London.

No problem. And I wish you both the very best of luck. Not that youll need it Im sure.

Thank you. Mac was about to turn and leave when she heard the Doctor call her name, Colonel?

Yes?

I forgot to ask at your last session, are you still at four percent?

Oh, no. I took your advice and listened to the other ninety six.

I dont blame you!

Mac peered back into the office and saw the wide beaming smile across the Doctors face, realising that in some way Harms charm had worked its usual magic and hed left his mark on yet another of the female species. I would never have figured you as the dress whites and gold wings type, Commander.

Me neither. You have yourself one charming fianc there, Colonel.

So he got to her too. Mac grinned, shook her head as if to say not another one, turned the handle and muttered under her breath as she was about to close the door, Oh to have been a fly on the wall during that conversation. Seconds before the door fitted neatly into its frame she heard the Doctors parting words.

Indeed! Vera smiled again as her gaze returned once more to the service file of one very lucky Marine!

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